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I'd Love To [14 Jul 2010|08:26pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Again
I lay awake
And I cried because of waste

I'd love to
But only with you
Only with you

Oh, time is gonna wipe us out
There, I've said it loud and clear
So that you will hear
There's no one in view
Just you
Just you
And time will never wipe you out

Now I've had enough
I've had more than could be
My rightful share
Of nights I can't bear
How can it be fair?
Time must wipe them out

So, again, I lay awake
In a trance
Oh, I just want my chance
But only with you
Only with you
That's all
That's all

---

(I'mtiredofliving.)
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Ouch. [21 Jun 2010|11:05pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Goodbye.
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Well... [15 Jun 2010|12:53am]
[ mood | nauseated ]

You know, maybe it was dumb of me. Maybe I was just wanting to feel something so bad that I convinced myself I actually felt it.

I don't want to believe that, but maybe I should...for my own sake.

Me: "I have to say something. I can't help it. I can't really say for sure if I'm in love with you...but I love you."
Her: ":) I love you too. I've been wanting you to say that for a while."
Me: "Haha really?"
Her: "Mmmhmmm, I wrote it on your arm while you were holding me one night, but when you asked I told you it said something else."
Me: "I knew it."
Her: "I love you, Warren."

Maybe I should at least be glad to know what it feels like to say it and believe that I mean it.

This is going to take way too long. I'm not strong.

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Fuck. [14 Jun 2010|04:42pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Life is a cruel joke.

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Once again... [05 Jun 2010|04:08am]
[ mood | crushed ]

At the age of 23, I truly believed that I had found something beautiful. For once in my life, something felt real. I said "I love you" for the first time. My hands shook and it was an incredible feeling.

Now I am lying here trying to give myself hope that I wasn't wrong. I can't sleep and I feel numb. I'm fighting back feelings of fear, regret, confusion, and paranoia. I would give anything to make this stop.

I meant the "I love you" part.

Kill me.

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It doesn't get easier. [06 Dec 2009|02:09pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I hope he treats you like shit.

On to better things.

I saw Coke Bust, Give, and Lion of Judah last night in Nashville. Great bands, great show. Felt nice to do something other than work.

Football all day. Sports keep me sane these days.
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Three years of wasting time. [23 Nov 2009|12:10am]
[ mood | blah ]

This is my song to you, not that you'll ever see this journal. Thanks for nothing.

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Alone with everybody. [20 Nov 2009|01:00am]
[ mood | depressed ]

No one knows how I feel.
No one has any idea what kind of thoughts go through my head.
Nothing has changed.
I'm unhappy.
I'll wake up tommorrow, and still nothing will change.

I wanted to make you my everything.
Why do I do this...
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God. [04 Nov 2009|01:18am]
[ mood | cold ]

What the fuck am I doing to myself?

I feel like I'm losing my grip once again, and maybe for the last time.

1 comment|post comment

Well... [02 Nov 2009|12:18am]
[ mood | blah ]

My mind has never had so many thoughts running through it. This last week has made such an impact on me, but for once it's not obvious. I'm to a point where I'm numb, but not sad, just indifferent. I am terrible at explaining this feeling, but anyone who has felt it knows exactly what I'm talking about.

As I'm typing this, Joey keeps talking to me about a situation that I don't really understand. I can't figure out why he's even worried or still talking about it.

I had it in my mind to make this a really long post about some things I've been feeling, but I have company that won't allow that right now.

I'll live.

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Straight Edge still rules. [13 Oct 2009|02:05pm]
[ mood | content ]

What it means, and what it meant, nothing's changed in me.
I look around, the faces change, few remain.
I guess to some it's nothing more than a song,
But not to me, so I move on.
I keep it all in my head, I take what's left.
Never forget, I never break.
There's so much more than you'll ever know.
This means more to me than you'll ever see.
Can't take it away, can't kill what's inside of me.
I'll take this with me till there's nothing left of me.
You can't turn this around, you can't keep me down,
And when you're gone, I'll move on, I will continue.
I am what's left of you.
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Untitled. [28 Sep 2009|06:30pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Never.

Kneeling low on my pillow, God, kneeling low on my pillow...
I will see there...I will be there...
You and me, we die.
I will fracture.
I will capture.
You and me, we die.

Look at pink roses full of black kind hearts.
It can't compare to your beauty as you're lying through your fucking teeth.

Why can't I glow?

Why dont you look at the roses, girl, from a black wedding bouquet?
Can't compare to you, you're fucking beauty.
'Til you look to sway.

Why can't I glow? I'll die...

I will be dead. I will see the dead. You and me, we die.

Summer's trudging closer, and a flurry of white as well.
It's the heart of nuclear winter and you can bet I'm scared as hell.
But I don't blame you.
I don't blame you.

My God, am I the wrong one?
She's a monster of mankind.

I, I see the fucking manger.
On her flesh she left a warning.
And I said, "will I ever see all that's coming through for me?"
And will I ever breathe?
We die.

I wasn't a star lost.
My fine point has been turned into the warmth.
How to say this and why?
Look into my eyes and shut the fuck up.

Why can't I glow?

Oh God...and it came towards the sin.
And it accentuates the shit my fucking way.

Shut the fuck up..
You can see it in my eyes.
Why can't I glow?
Shut up.

I will see there. I will be there.
Where you and me...we...die.

Pack your shit and leave and take my memories of her with you.
2 comments|post comment

Why I'm so lost and confused. [27 Sep 2009|02:31am]
[ mood | blank ]

I obviously believe in some kind of fairy tale where I'm going to randomly find the one and my life will be perfect.

I say this because I catch myself quite often looking at someone, or talking to someone new, and in the back of my mind thinking "What if this person becomes a vital part of my life?" and I don't know why. I guess it's not that out of the ordinary to have thoughts like that, but I wish I didn't. I feel like it does nothing but give me an odd outlook on reality.

Bed time.

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R.I.P. Jane Kelly [21 Sep 2009|12:17pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

At the end of my band's most recent summer tour, we were in Tallahassee, Florida. While in Tallahassee we went to the apartment of our good friend Kane. Kane has several animals and we met them all. 2 of his animals were hairless rats. Within minutes of holding one of them, I decided that I had to have one.

The next day Kane told me that if I was serious, and if I bought one, he would give me something to keep it in, a wheel, and some other things that I would need. I felt like with an offer like that, I couldn't say no. We went to the pet store to get me a rat.

We walk in and go immediately to the area where the rat's are. A girl asks us if we need help, and I tell her that I want a hairless rat. She asks me if I want a boy or a girl, and I tell her that I'm not sure but that I'm leaning towards a girl. She suggests that I just pick one out, and if it's a girl, then it's meant to be. I look at all of them for a minute or so, and then I spot the one I want. It has plenty of energy, little gray spots, and a striped tail. The girl picks her up, and it's a girl. I hold her, and I'm sold. I name her Jane Kelly, a classy name for my new classy little lady. I ask how old she is and I'm told that she's 4-5 months. She's adorable. I pay for her and we leave.

We play a show that night, and then we head home. I'm immediately excited about my new pet. I fix up her new home with bedding, things to chew on, and food. I don't have a water bottle yet, so I get her to drink out of a bottled water lid. I have a hard time not holding her the entire trip home. Whenever not holding her, I'm sending everyone text messages and telling them about her. I see quite a future with little Jane Kelly.

Jane is known best for her energy, and trying her absolute best to get our of her cage, which she succeeded to do a few times. She loves apples and potatos, and running in a wheel that is kinda too small for her now. She loves sitting on my shoulder, and nibbling on my ear, and running up and down my arms. She knows the difference between me and other people, and clearly knows that I'm her father. We get along just fine.

Here I am 3 months later, and it's a sad day. I wake up today and decide to give her a new cup to sleep in, because I noticed the night before that her current one was kinda dirty. I get her out of the cup, throw it away, and set her new one down for her to see. I'm suprised to see that Jane is being quite still, and not nearly as excited to eat and hop around as usual. I set her food in front of her to further inspire her to eat. She grabs a peice and tries to eat, but something is obviously wrong. She seems extremely weak, and when I pick her up she's very cold. My only thought at this point is that maybe the last few pieces of potato I gave her made her sick. Not knowing what to do, I ask someone to run me to petsmart to get her some new food. I get her food and hurry back, only to find her still barely sitting up. I give her some food, and she barely reacts. She looks at it, smells it, and continues to just sit there. I pick her up and she's still very cold. I take a peice of food and beg her to eat it. Confused, and worried, I start getting choked up. I set her back down, and put a peice of food to her mouth again, still begging her to try and eat. She looks at me, and then tries to get in my hand. I can tell she just wants me to hold her, and I start to cry. I hold her for a few minutes, until I can tell that she is getting even weaker. I decide to set her back in her home and make her as comfortable as possible. I go get a sock, and wrap her up and let her relax. I check on her every few minutes to see if she's still breathing, and eventually she just isn't anymore. I swell up with tears, and I have a good cry.

I'm still not sure what happened, but my theory at this point is that she managed to swallow some of the tape I used to fix the net on the lid of her cage, and it must have made her very sick over night. She was fine yesterday, or atleast she seemed to be.

Jane Kelly was buried on Sunday September 20th, 2009 still wrapped up in her sock, inside an old cell phone box. I said a few words, sealed it with a piece of tape, and sent her down the sewer. I thought she'd like that.

If you actually took the time to read this, I'm sure it might seem a little dramatic considering the short period of time I had her, but let me say this: I genuinely loved this animal. In three months, I became as attatched to her as any pet I've ever owned. The fact that her little life was cut so short has absolutely broken my heart. I miss you, Jane.

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For reasons unknown to me. [15 Sep 2009|11:56pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I will never forget about you.

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A Time We'll Remember [07 Sep 2009|12:17pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I see so many people doing what they consider ''growing up,'' and it bothers me a great deal.

Growing up to me means that you reach a level of maturity that allows you to function and act as a responsible adult. You handle your business and carry yourself in a way that earns you respect and distances you from a childish way of thinking.

It does not mean that you all of a sudden change your lifestyle and become a different person. It doesn't mean you throw your beleifs and morals out the window. Partying, drinking, smoking, and fucking doesn't mean you've grown up.

True until I am dead. Fuck the world.

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Untitled. [31 Jul 2009|07:52pm]
[ mood | blah ]

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Haha [12 Jul 2009|10:40pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Being lied to for 2 months rules.

I can't say that I hate you, but what you did is some of the lowest shit anyone has ever done to me, and I do hate that.

Now you can fuck all the guys you want.

Cunt.

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Mississippi [04 Jul 2009|03:58pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

I'm in Jackson, Mississippi right now, which means tour is almost over.

I'm excited to go home, but I have so much to figure out, and I'm not excited about that. I have to figure out where I want to live, I have to figure out if I still have my job, I have to get a car, and the list goes on and on.

I'm confident that everything will work out, as usual...but you never know.

Either way, I'm making some changes once I get back. I'm going to get serious with my design work again, and I'm going to finally start my new zine. I have several other ideas that I hope to make reality. It seems like with every tour I get stoked on all these ideas and other things that I want to do once I get home, and then I put them off and never do them. Hopefully I follow through for once.

Oh, yeah! I almost forgot. A year ago Dailey and I made an agreement to not cut our hair for a year. Well, we did it, and it sucked, and now it's over. We both went to barber shops yesterday and got haircuts, and I feel like a new man. I'm sure he does too.

I've been reading a lot.

Suggestions:

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Untitled. [26 Jun 2009|04:41pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I'm starting to think that I will never be the person I really want to be.
I have absolutely no idea how to explain that.

I've been on tour since June 1st, and I love it. I just wish being gone didn't make certain things so difficult. It's really hard to figure out a new relationship when you leave so soon after it begins. I still don't know what will happen with that, but I guess time will tell. I'm not gonna stress out about it.

Everyone should read this:

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